Why Can't We Take a Compliment?*

Why is it so hard for so many people to take a compliment? Why, when someone tells us how well we've done or how important we are, do we deflect this?** I see it happening everywhere, but especially in graduate school. In many ways the response is one in which we provide a "reality check" for the complimenter. Someone might say, "wow, you did a really great job on that memo" and our reply might be "yeah, but that's the only thing I understood from the reading" or "I was just bull-shitting my way through." Another response is often to deflect the compliment onto the complimenter. "oh, but you're the real superstar here" or "that's nothing compared to yours" or "you paved the way for my ideas." Rarely does the complimenter get a "thank you" without some kind of qualifier about how the compliment  is not completely justified. Why do we do this? What does it say about how we value our own capabilities? And what does it mean for the complimenter?

By immediately countering or qualifying the compliment, it serves to invalidate what the complimenter said. We're essentially saying, "You're wrong. Let me tell you how it really is." I have been on the receiving end of this many times, as the complimenter, and it feels pretty shitty. Sometimes I am offended. Sometimes I am sad. And sometimes it makes me really ticked off. When I compliment someone, 99% of the time I really do mean it and I started to realize that this tends to be the case. Most people don't give out compliments unless they mean it. Yes, sometimes people might offer you a compliment simply because you complimented them first or because they feel the situation calls for it for some reason. But most of the time, they are telling you something they like about you because they truly like that thing about you.

So about a year or two ago, I really started to think about these encounters and realized that I do exactly the same thing.  I deflect compliments all the time! I, of course, speak from my own experience here, but I believe that others feel this way too, especially in graduate school. Most of the time I don't mean to invalidate people's beliefs about me or offend them or tell them they're wrong. Often, I truly believe that I do not live up to what they say about me. I feel that I must set them straight, that their expectations of me are too high and I will inevitably fall short because I am not as great as they seem to think I am. However, after I realized how much I do this, I started accepting some compliments. Sometimes my only response is "thank you." Of course, sometimes I still don't truly believe the complimenters know enough about me to make those kind of statements about me, but I do believe that they are telling me because they believe them. And now even more so, I pay attention to the observations I make about others and I do think that outsiders can sometimes see things that you either cannot see or do not accept about yourself. So, sometimes it's good to listen and to take a compliment as insight into how others perceive you. And sometimes it's just nice to bask in the glow of someone thinking that you're kind of great.

Now, I cannot leave this discussion without noting that of course there is a gendered story here (and surely a raced and classed story too). Women tend to deflect compliments onto others, probably because we learn that we are supposed to take care of others, to put others before ourselves, so before we can allow ourselves to be complimented, we must ensure that others feel that validation first. In addition, women tend to be complimented on our bodies more than men. Here we must also think about our own perceptions of our bodies, how society tells us to feel about our bodies, and how our reactions are partially a response to both of those things, among others. A truly gendered analysis of compliments could be a whole post in itself and here we might also discuss what compliments can mean for women coming from different people (see note at the end of this post).

My challenge to you now is to start paying attention to compliments. Notice how you react when you are complimented. What's your immediate reaction? If it's to redirect the compliment onto someone else or to qualify it with some way you don't actually live up to it, try to refrain from doing that. Try to just say "thank you." Also, notice other people's reactions to compliments you give. Are there gender differences? Race, class differences? Other status/power differences (for instance if a professor compliments a student as opposed to the reverse)? You might be surprised at what you see. If you are (or even if you're not), I would love for you to share your observations with me.

Now, go forth and accept those compliments!


*After I wrote the title for this post, I realized readers might think  this post was about sexual harassment or cat-calling because often when a woman reacts negatively, this is the response: "Why can't you take a compliment?" Or as man recently said to me at a club, "It was just a f***ing compliment" when I reacted negatively to his hand on my arm and his compliment: "you're f***ing adorable." As you can see, this post was necessarily thinking about these types of compliments, but this possible confusion brings up an important reason why some alleged compliments are not taken as such because they may feel objectifying or in some way threatening. 

**In this post I use "we" and "us" frequently (sometimes known as the "royal we"). This is not to say that I am speaking for everyone, but that I am speaking to those who identify with what I am saying and to those who may not even realize they do this. I am speaking from my experience of being a compliment-deflector and a compliment-acceptor, and seeing other people act as compliment-deflectors. By no means is this experience universal, nor does it apply equally to people from all social locations. 

A Sky for Dreamers

Tonight is one of my favorite kind of nights. Crisp, clean air and clear blue sky. Nine o'clock at night in the dead of winter. Can't you just feel it?! No? Let me paint a little more vivid of a picture for you. The temperature is actually about 12 degrees, but feels much colder--probably low single digits. It's one of the those colds that hurts a little when you breathe too deeply through your nose. The air isn't just clean, it's....sterile. The moon is almost full, a white-silver against a deep ocean blue. There are stars, bright visible stars--and we are so close to the city! I try to find the big dipper, but I can't be sure. The moon is a little to bright for stargazing I SPY.

I try to imagine one of my other favorite nights. Summer. The humid air wraps around you. You might need a jacket--especially if you're me--but you kind of like the feel of the slight breeze on bare skin. Again, the sky is filled with stars. It's not their brightness that defines the night, however. It's their magnitude. You truly know what it means to be small. They never end, those tiny shining dots. You can lay on the soft grass and just stare up at them.

But not tonight. It is cold and yet I am staring up at the sky in awe, breathing in the air. Willing my lungs to be clean and full. And just as I lift my right foot to take another step, the toe of my boot catches---oof! I am performing one of those falling, hop steps. My left foot stamps down hard as I catch myself.

Now, I'm not ones to take note of signs. I don't believe everything happens for a reason or things that occur do so because they are meant to be. BUT, if I was going to take this moment as a sign from the great-sign-maker, I think ze/she/he would be saying this: "Hey, Allison. You know, it's great to be a dreamer--all those thoughts you have up in your head are awesome. But you also have to pay attention to the path ahead of you. You still have to put one foot in front of the other. You have to choose when to avoid the ice and when to slow down, when to walk like a penguin and when you can pick up the pace (all good advice for any winter travelers). If you can't remember to pick up your foot to surpass the sidewalk crack, if you fall and bash your knees, how are you going to appreciate the beauty of the night sky?"

 Of course, I don't believe in signs.

Semester Numero Dos: It Begins Again

The first week was a long one. Technically, it was a short one---only four days---but mentally, it was long. I had been feeling some impending doom about this semester during the last week of break---stress about a big (and difficult) course load, stress from feeling the pressure to start "doing" something (working on a project or starting my own research), etc. Now, I don't think impending doom is quite the right word. I think impending exhaustion is more like it. My impending doom feeling was also associated with the sneaking suspicion that from day 1 I would be swamped, not like first semester where it felt like I sunk into it a little. And boy do I already feel swamped! I decided to start my day off blogging BEFORE I start the endless reading I want to get done this weekend so I could have a little bit of "me" time. So much for a balanced life.

Not so fast. Let's talk about some balancing things I have done this week. 1. I went to my very first spin class taught by one of my cohort members, Sarah G. It was great...hard, but great! Sarah is really motivational and it was fun to see her in a different role. 2. I went to a zumba class on Friday! Maybe a little more "fun" than spin, but harder to work hard. The U's rec center has free fitness classes the first week of each semester which is why I went to two this week. If you want to take classes during the rest of the semester, you have to buy a "fitpass" which is 55 bucks. The good thing about it though is that you can go to ANY class with the fitpass and they offer multiple classes all throughout the day, so even if you only went to one class a week, it would be less than 5 bucks a class. I'm thinking about getting the pass. Not many of the other classes work with my schedule, but I am planning to go to Sarah's class each week. It's way easier for me to be motivated if someone else is going, and she has so since she's the instructor! I have come to terms that the class will probably interfere with the amount I go dancing. I was hoping to take lindy hop lessons in Feb but they are also on Wed and Thurs is my busy day so I can't do two things that night. But that's okay. I'm still going to try to dance once or twice a month and it's only for the semester. I'll still be getting my endorphins flowing.  3. Monica (also in the 1st year cohort) dyed and cut my hair last night! There are so many awesome people here at Minnesota! Monica is just one example. She's fabulous. She spent a lot of her time last night (and on very short notice) helping me decide what I wanted and then basically doing everything. It was a really fun night! 4. I got to hold a baby!!!! A really tiny baby!!!!! Francis (yes, in my cohort too) and his wife, Ever just had a baby, Gian a couple weeks ago! He is so, so very small and perfect. He slept the whole time we were there. The reason Monica and I got this wonderful opportunity was because we were dropping off diapers for the baby. The whole cohort pitched in and we bought 3 big boxes!! Another reason why I love the people here! I can't imagine what it's like to have a new baby and be starting semester 2 of grad school. Francis, you're a rockstar! Did I mention they also have a two year old?

Now, look at that huge paragraph of things besides school stuff that I've been doing!

It's been really nice weather here lately--20s, sometimes 30s and mostly sunny. One day it snow a very light coat and it was so pretty. I do genuinely like winter, and this weather has been reinforcing it more and more. I was actually sad to think about spring coming the other day. I don't think I've ever thought that! Anyway, I'll add some pictures of the winter for you to see.

That's about all I've got in me for blogging today. I need to start my day---clean the bathroom (tiny hair pieces all over from last night!), answer emails, do laundry, oh and read until dark.

Concluding statement: I'm making it through.

Baby Gian! 

 From the pedestrian bridge crossing over 94

 Walking to the light rail

 Walking down by the river

 The street near my house in my morning--street lights still on

New hair! A warm brown color with a little bit of red underneath that doesn't really show (I couldn't figure out how to take a picture of it. The one below is what I got before I gave up)

Happy 2015!

New years always seem to surprise me. It seems like I should be used to it by now--it happens every year for goodness sakes! Oh well... I have a good feeling about 2015 though. It feels different. I can't really explain why and I'm not sure why I have a good feeling about the year, but a feeling of impending doom about this next semester since they kind of go hand in hand.

I had a great winter break. I was happy to spend much need time with my family in WNY and to see friends from home. It's awesome to see how everyone has grown and changed, and even more awesome that we can still connect in the same old ways.

I've been trying my best to get back in the swing of things since I've been back in Minneapolis. I think I've done a decent job. Been to campus a couple times, made my own deodorant, ran some errands, found a nice coffee shop to work in, AND I WENT TO THE GYM! I'm so bad at going to the gym. Our student fees pay for access to the fitness center on campus so I feel like I need to use it--otherwise it's a waste of something I have to pay for anyway. The facility is huge and really nice, it's just on east bank so I either have to light rail over or walk. Plus it's a little bit intimidating to go by yourself the first time (why I took Sarah Catherine with me). I am hoping (really hoping) I can make Friday afternoon my gym day. I only have obligations until 11 and possibly an early afternoon meeting. It sounds like a good way to end my week. I have been doing quite a bit of yoga in the mornings. I found a great site called yoga download that has a bunch of free classes (20-30 min) that you can stream and/or download for free, so I've been trying those out.

I want to go back to something I mentioned before that you may want more explanation for. I did make my own deodorant. I've been meaning to try it for a while now. (The new year always brings out my healthy side) You can find the recipe here (http://wellnessmama.com/1523/natural-deodorant/). It uses baking soda, coconut oil, shea butter, and arrow root (or corn starch which is what I used). Baking soda is a natural odor absorber and starch is a natural moisture absorber. Coconut oil helps with odor causing bacteria. You can also put essential oils in it to make it smell better. The only shea butter they had at the co-op already had tangerine/orange essential oils in it, so I figured I could skip that step. I only just started using it today, so I'll have to report on its effectiveness. Supposedly the woman who made it said she noticed herself sweating less as time went on. I had a little bit trouble with the product separating into liquid and solid, so I mixed it up again and stuck it in the fridge overnight. It seems to be staying together even now that I've let it sit on my shelf a little while, though it is a little bit of a creamy texture.

I told myself I would only write until 1pm and then go do some "real" work. As for blogging, this semester will probably be busier than the last, but I will try to schedule blogging in once a month :) Before I leave you, I thought I would include the classes I am taking/TAing for, so you have a little bit of an idea of what I'll be doing this semester:

• Research Methods
• Sociology of Punishment
• Advanced Statistics
• Professional Seminar  (1 credit)
• Sociology of Education Journal Editing Seminar (1.5 credits)
• Teaching Assistant for Introduction to Sociology (2 discussion sections led by me!)

Would You Like Salt with that Sociological Study?

I recently read an opinion article in the local newspaper entitled, “A Grain of Salt with Sociological Studies.” The author and weekly columnist, Dan McLaughlin, argues that we must take sociological studies with a particularly large chunk of salt because, unlike hard scientific experiments, they are at the mercy of the time, place and specific circumstance in which they are conducted. At first, I wanted to dismiss the article entirely. What does this guy know about sociological research? Is he seriously implying that hard scientific experiments shouldn’t be scrutinized for biases and lack of objectivity? Personally, I think he was (which is ludicrous, by the way). The hard sciences are often looked upon as objective and factual, scientists as truth-givers. However, ask any of the hard scientists out there and they will tell you that their data can also be manipulated, that there is always some bias in what is studied, how it is studied, and what is published for the world to read.

So, actually I think our fried, Dan McLaughlin makes an excellent point. Of course we should look at sociological studies with a critical eye. Isn’t that our job as scholars, to not take for granted the information that we are given, what might seem obvious? Isn’t it our job to question? So yes Dan, we should be checking definitions, and methodology and asking about grand inferences made from small studies and about conclusions based on huge data sets.

But in no way does our duty to question sociology make it any less important. Most of us are not scientists in labs, creating drugs to cure diseases, but I argue that we are concerned with saving lives. We are the ones who understand and explain how institutions interact to create a system where some people are far more likely to die earlier because they live in poverty, who are more likely to be imprisoned, who are more likely to commit suicide because of stigma associated with their identities, who are living lives of far poorer quality because of social factors, not any internal condition. We are the ones who can advocate for solutions to fixable social issues, issues that seriously hamper the ability to live long and fulfilling lives for so many people.

I do not claim to know all there is to know about sociology. I am still learning about the discipline that lit a fire under me nearly four years ago. I want to defend it. I want people to see the necessity of sociology. But I must realize its flaws. Like so many other disciplines, sociology is ever changing and growing, adapting to the very thing that it attempts to understand. If it never changed, I wouldn’t even be here writing this—no woman would.  Thus, I am thankful to have read Mr. McLaughlin’s editorial, if only to make me think a little harder about the need for effective critique and inquiry, and why sociology is truly important despite its inability to recreate historical occurrences or rid itself of human bias (something, by the way, that no science can do).

So next time you read a sociological study, any study really, take the time to ask some questions. How did the author collect her/his/their data?  What conclusions did she/he/they make and are they valid based on the data? Why was this study published over others? And even if you don’t read sociological studies, you can still be critical (not negatively critical, but questioning critical) of what you read in the newspaper or watch on TV or hear from your sociologist cousin. Sometimes tough questions start really great, enlightening conversations. 

http://www.post-journal.com/page/content.detail/id/657817/A-Grain-Of-Salt-With-Sociological-Studies.html

Semester Recap (not brief)

Wow, 3 posts in 2 days?! Yep. I figured I should try to do a brief (what is brief anyhow?) recap of the semester since I didn't do a very good job of posting once it got busy. And boy, did it get busy.... I remember getting that panicky feeling in mid October.  Any of you who have been involved in college life should know that feeling, the one you usually get around Thanksgiving when you realize there are only a few weeks left in the semester and you have WAY too much stuff to do. Yeah, that happened for me in October. But everything was okay, just like it always is.

So, what was all that stuff I was doing that I was stressing about? Here's a quick list:

• Theory Class, Blogging & Prepping for Oral Exam
• Stats Class
• Human Rights Class & Final Paper
• TAing (Discussion Groups, Grading, Finals Review)
• NSF Fellowship Application
• Youth Activities Project
• Sociology of Education Journal Review
• Department Workshops and others 

*But don't worry, I still had plenty of time to go swing dancing each week and spend many happy hours with cohort and department friends :)

Let me break some of this down for you. Essentially the first year is class-focused. All first years must take Theory in the first semester and Research Methods and Advanced Statistics in the second semester. Many also take Intermediate Stats in the first semester as I did. Additionally, everyone must take a professional development seminar which was a little bit like a Q&A therapy session.

Theory took up most of my time spent on class work. Basically everyday I was doing something theory related----the reading was long and often dense, and the day before class some of us posted blog memos and the rest of us had to comment. So we were literally doing theory all of the time. Realistically, I think theory needs to be intense if you're going to get anything out of it. I was so glad we had those memos once it came down to finals time. For our final we each selected a topic to explore theoretically and then had a 30-45 minute oral exam (more like a conversation) with a professor we also selected. It's funny because in a bunch of other countries, students are doing oral exams all throughout their schooling, but we often don't get to it until we need to defend our prelims or our dissertations and that's a pretty high stakes game. My exam went really well. I was first and I was so nervous, but it actually turned out to be really enjoyable because it was something I am passionate about. I chose to explore sexual assault using 2 case studies, campus rape in the U.S. and rape in the DRC in the midst of the ongoing conflict there. My arguments centered around the ways in which the physical act of sexual assault and the discourse surrounding it is a way of protecting masculinity, and the ways in which the act and the discourse are both forms of violence against the victim (both physical and symbolic). I of course don't have space here to explain it all, so if you have questions or would like to talk more about any of this stuff I would be more than happy to.

The human rights class I took ended up being my favorite. It was on a Friday afternoon, but the discussions were great so it didn't really matter. This class was nice because there was really a variety of perspectives among the 6 of us in the class.  I was only 1 of 2 sociologists there. The other students were from public policy or history. Sometimes it's really nice to talk to non-sociologists.

I am not quite done with TAing; their final is tomorrow and then I will have to calculate grades. Luckily the professor made the final multiple choice so I won't have to actually grade the tests. I thought this semester went pretty well. It was definitely a new experience having to lead my own discussion sections and I hope I get another shot at it before I am done here. It does take up a lot of time though. I think Intro is hard to teach because you try to cover so many topics. Basically you get a week to talk about every topic and sometimes not even that. We only had one full day of lecture about gender---how do you even lecture about gender in one day?! I did that lecture, by the way ;) It was pretty fun and the students participated more than I thought they would. I think the real goal of Intro is getting students to think from a different perspective, to learn how to use their sociological imagination. That's a hard thing to do when you have students from so many different levels and backgrounds. I hardly remember anything from my introduction to sociology class, so that worries me a little bit... Although I do know one student decided to pick up a sociology minor after this course. I really appreciated having time to interact with the students in my discussion sections. Other TAs don't really get that if they are only graders. The few students that I really got to know outside of the classroom setting were really great and seem like they will go on to use sociology in a way that is meaningful.

The Sociology of Education Journal Review (sorry I'm going out of order) was something that took up much less of my time this semester, but I think was more beneficial than some of the other things. For those of you who may not be familiar, it is very important for academics to publish---grad students and faculty prior to tenure. When you want to publish something, you send a manuscript into a peer-reviewed journal like Sociology of Education. Your manuscript is then sent out to a few reviewers (preferably scholars in your field of research who can comment on your work) and then the editor decides to reject, accept or let you revise and resubmit it. Right now the Soc of Ed journal is at Minnesota (wherever the editor is). A bunch of grad students (sociology and education) get together as part of a "review board" to discuss submissions with conflicting reviews (maybe two revise and resubmits and one reject) and help the editor decide what to do with it. It's been really helpful for understanding how the publication process works and how to critically read papers. It's also been kind of encouraging to see the really poor work that some people submit because I know I can do so much better! Overall, it has just been a really casual and enjoyable atmosphere. I will be doing this next semester too.

Another exciting thing I've been doing is helping out with the Youth Activities Project here (that's not the final name, but we haven't come up with anything better). It's the first bigger project I've ever been a part of, consisting of about 4 faculty and 5 graduate students and the idea is big. The project is still in the beginning stages, and I have been playing a very small part so far, but we just received some grant funding so we will be seriously moving forward this summer! The very general gist is that we will be looking at youth participation in various activities in the Twin Cities area, including things like sports, music, various clubs, and much more. We are interested in parental decision making and questions of diversity and inequality related to participation.

I'm going to stop with the specific explaining there. Phew!

Overall, this semester has been great. Super overwhelming and crazy, but great. There is so much I still don't know and sometimes I feel very inadequate, but thinking back to the beginning of the semester and thinking about now, the "not knowing" is subsiding...if only minutely. It's kind of confusing because you get a lot of different messages from people about what your first year should be about. Some people tell you to just get through the first semester. Some people tell you you need to start doing research right away, others tell you the most important thing is to just read widely, to explore new topics the first year. I feel a little behind, or maybe behind isn't the word... It feels like I just came into loving sociology and I really haven't had enough time to learn about it and explore what I want to do and I feel like I have to decide soon where I want my research to go for the rest of my career. I'm also pretty young and I know how much I have changed in the past 4 years, so sometimes I wonder if I haven't had enough time to develop myself to just jump into all this. But I know that if I wasn't in graduate school I probably wouldn't get the exposure to sociology that I am getting. Everyday I have at least one awesome conversation that I wouldn't get to have if I was elsewhere. While I could get a different kind of good experience if I took time to work or do some kind of volunteering, there are so many awesome things going on at the university level that I would be missing.

And for all those worried about my mental health, I have been very social. I have been dancing every week, usually on Wednesdays,  usually with a group of engineers I met here who are ironically all from a college in South Dakota.  I also spend quite a bit of time with members of my cohort in social settings, especially happy hour but not limited to that. My roommate is really awesome. I love her! I feel like I have a lot of support here, both inside and outside of the department. Of course I still feel isolated sometimes, I miss home, I question everything, but that's normal, right? :p

I will be home December 18th- January 8th. I am sooooo excited to be home for Christmas! I can't wait to see everyone! That being said, I always get a little nervous because I know how stressful it is to try to plan things over the holidays and fit everyone in. Whether I follow it or not, my goal is to take a more passive stance this break and try not to stress myself out too much--let the people come to me :)

Well, that's all folks. Semester one of grad school done. That's one semester closer to Dr. Nobles!

A relatively warm walk at night

 Last night was relatively warm (mid to upper 40s) so some friends and I took a walk across the Stone Arch Bridge. It was really foggy.

 This picture is right by the ruins of the old milling industry. It was too dark to capture without using my flash, but I thought it looked cool with the lit up sign above them.